Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Why is it that everyone wants me to keep living in misery? They think they can help? They think they'll find something that will work? They want me to work through it. My dad went through it over and over and over again until he couldn't anymore and killed himself at the age of 52.

I cut myself for the first time today. I tried to write the word 'broken' into my arm, but it was taking forever and i'm a wuss so all I've got are a couple of little lines. They barely scratched the surface.

I keep thinking of different ways to kill myself but they all frighten me......and who's to say death would even hold any relief anyways?

I wish there were some way I could not exist.

I wish I could just keep sleeping and someone else would take care of Ethan.

Friday, November 6, 2009

What Makes Them So Special?

It seems like almost every one of my married friends is pregnant with their second baby. I want to have another baby...
but I know I can't. Not right now anyway. I can't even get pregnant until my husband comes home. We had decided to try and get pregnant again while he's home in January for two weeks, but I just don't see how that's going to be possible. I'm hardly functioning by myself with our 2 year old son! Add to that pregnant and it would make my depressed and miserable self even more so. No. It's going to have to wait until he comes home in June/July. Then he can take care of our son while I worship the porcelain god of the bathroom, take multiple naps a day, and avoid the kitchen at all costs so as not to come across any offending smells.

But you know, I ask myself if I even want to dare try and bring another being into this godforsaken world at the high risk of them becoming just like me. Another depressed, dysfunctional, incapable of contributing positively to society individual. If my kills me to think it's even a possibility. I will never forgive myself if he is diagnosed with this disease.

I hate that it seems like everyone else has something I want. Whether it's a physical thing, or a personality trait. Everyone has crappy things happen to them in life, but some people, like my mom, have this uncanny ability to get through it, and are almost always stronger because of it. For me, sometimes even the smallest negative can practically destroy me.

Today was the first day in a long time that I truly thought about killing myself. But i'm such a pansy and have this huge fear of the physical pain of death. I know for some, mainly my family members, that should be seen as a blessing. Speaking of family.....Dear Hubby, if you're still reading this...................well.......don't come crying to me if you read something you don't like.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should look for a different psychiatrist....I feel like the guy I have now doesn't always listen very well. He's good in the sense that he is trying to help, but still......maybe I should find a new one....
He's putting me on Prozac now. The Pristiq was a huge bust in my opinion....not so much in his............ *sigh* Here comes drug number six.....
He also wants me to see a therapist. I have an appointment with one of his at the end of the month. I don't really know how I feel about that. I miss Karen. Oh god do I miss Karen. Part of me would move back to Idaho in a heartbeat just to see her again. I even miss our old little house. It was so cute and relatively easy for me to take care of. It didn't have a backyard or attached garage though, and the walls and bathroom both needed an upgrade. But still, I miss it sometimes.

In my dreams there's a cute little modern farmhouse on a huge plot of land where the sun almost always shines and I spend my days relaxing on the porch swing while I watch my son play in the front yard. My husband and I go for nature walks and the dog runs free without a care. We make french toast or German pancakes for breakfasts, and on the weekends we drive into the city to see a movie and go shopping. At night we snuggle by the fireplace and read while the cats get cozy on our laps.
No drugs, no sadness, no Army, no going away for months or weeks at a time. No busy streets and sirens. No politics either would be nice.


Oh yeah, and I would be 90lbs skinnier.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Pristiq is such a WONDERFUL drug......


You know why? Because at 150mg a day it's giving me really bad diarrhea. I know, lovely right? My family doctor has told me to go back down to 100mg. She also tried to draw blood to run tests just to check and make sure it really is the Pristiq, but guess what? I'm too dehydrated from the diarrhea. Every time they poked the needle in a vein, it collapsed. I came home with four neon pink gauze bandages on my arms, and at least two more puncture marks. I'm getting an I.V. tomorrow. I hate this.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I Had A Dream

I can't do this. I can't.

Everything I've eaten the last four days has run right through me. Even water. I'm not throwing up and I have no fever. All I want to do is sleep it off, whatever 'it' is. I feel queasy most of the time, either from lack of food or from the gurgliness in my G.I. tract. I can hardly go up and down the stairs without feeling like I'm going to die. But do mommies get a break? No. And especially not this mommy. I have a two year old that needs changed, fed, and loved everyday. Plus I have two cats, one especially obnoxious as of late, that need fed and kept out of trouble. Then there's the stupid dog. The stupid dog which has chewed up every fricken' kennel pad I've ever bought for him (you know, to make HIM more comfortable). This last one cost about $80 and I found it in pieces all over my backyard today. And I can't go pick it all up because that would cause an urgent need to go to the bathroom, which in turn would cause my ass to burn. Nor can I hardly give him the attention he needs because I'm busy trying to take care of my toddler and/or I'm feeling like crap. It wouldn't be so bad if Hubby were here, but no, he's halfway across the world serving his godforsaken country. I think I agreed to this career because I thought the money would be nice. That and I had a brand new little baby that I adored and made me feel good. Newborn euphoria or something. What the hell was I thinking???

When I was young I had a dream. I wanted to be a mother and have ten kids. I would be the kind of mom that sat on the ground with her kids and made sidewalk pictures with chalk. I'd be the homeschooling mom. The soccer mom.

Now i'm the mom who can barely take care of her one kid, let alone herself, plus two cats and a stupid dog. The mom who's been on five different anti-depressants and is losing hope in any of them. The mom who's church teaches that God will always help you, but can't feel God or see God in her life, and a big part of that is because of the depression. There's no place for depression in this church. The mom who's dad committed suicide because he suffered from depression and couldn't endure it any longer and has now left the mom with little hope of ever being able to endure it herself.

I had a dream. A dream of a strong woman. A goddess in her own right. A creative person. A supportive wife. A happy mother.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Having A Bad Day?

No, more like having a bad life.

I smashed two of my toes into the couch today. It hurt like hell. I think I scared my little boy because I was yelling from the pain. But he got over it. A lot faster than I got over the pain. They still hurt.

I hate having a dog. Especially such a giant monstrosity such as ours (German Shepherd, Black Lab mix). And to think, my husband wants a bull mastiff! I had to spend $150 on him today so he'd have a nice warm(ish), dry house to live in this winter. I got 30% off though because the vent on the top was broken and it was the only one they had. So that was nice. It wouldn't fit in my car though. At least not until I moved my son's car seat to the front passenger seat (a big no-no when you have airbags) so I could fold the back seats down to make room. That's how big the stupid thing is.

I texted my best friend and asked her what kind of coffee a newbie should get. I love her. She was nice enough to answer me without asking questions. 'Course, I still explained, but it was nice that she didn't ask. Anyways, I ended up getting a yummy burrito (for free!) and Pina Colada at Cafe Rio instead. I'll still keep her advice in mind though.

I decided to keep my son awake all day with NO nap so that he'd be ready to go to bed before 9pm tonight. It worked! It was really frustrating at times though because of his whining and crying and constantly wanting me for no reason. But, two hours after I put him down, he's quiet as a mouse in his room. Yay!

I started a puzzle with my friend's kid last night. I forget how much I like doing puzzles. So now it's sitting on what was originally supposed to be my puzzle table. The edges are done and I have a little bit of the top filled in. Maybe I'll actually finish it this weekend.

Tomorrow I have to get up early to pick up another friend's daughter and take her to the airport. I think I might stop by the yummy donut shop in the city 'on my way home'. Ok, it's not really on my way home, but they're worth it! Never thought I'd love a strawberry icing donut so much. Tomorrow is also General Conference. Whoopie doo. I won't be listening. I'm fed up and tired. I know there is a God and I know this church is true.....but I don't believe either wants to help me.

I wish I could die, or go into a coma, or just not exist anymore, but I can't. Stupid life. Stupid brain. Stupid disease.

Saturday, September 26, 2009


oh god i hate my life ... for the most part. i'm so fucking lonely right now. why the hell did i have to agree to my husband joining the army?!?

Thursday, September 24, 2009


After a month of being at my mom's house in Washington, I'm now back in Utah. Ask me if I'm thrilled and I'll laugh in your face. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we weren't living in this part of the valley where there's a ginormous Hispanic community. I feel like i'm in Mexico sometimes. I actually had a cashier give me my total in Spanish tonight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist. I wouldn't mind it all so much if they at least spoke English. I also wouldn't mind it all if it didn't seem like gang related crime didn't seem to follow them around.
ANYways, aside from the mostly Hispanic community I live in, Utah sucks because it's too noisy. It was so quiet at my mom's house. I liked that a lot. I hear sirens daily here and stupid motorcyclists zooming by as loud as they can. Plus I live a block from the high school so the idiots walk past my house everyday. My poor dog has a bark collar on because otherwise he'd never shut up. People are a little different here too. They're not as friendly or laid back. It's funny, I'd never have thought I'd miss living in a small town like my mom's.

On a completely different note, I had my second appointment with my psychiatrist tonight. It went good and he agreed to keep me on 100mg of Pristiq a day. (yay!) I like this drug. It took a while to kick in, but that might have been in part because I was suffering from the withdrawal of the Celexa. So far I think I have a bit more energy, I'm less prone to irritability, and I can think clearer. Hopefully it'll continue to be a good drug for me.

And lastly:

Dear asshole,
I hate you. I still can't figure out WHY you flipped ME off. You're the complete idiot who merged onto the freeway into my lane when there was no one in the right lane and I was obviously going faster than you. I only sat on your ass because I assumed you would get into the right lane and let me pass. But you were still being stupid and didn't get over, so I passed you and you flipped ME off. I have a news flash for you, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. YOU DID JACKASS! I sincerely hope you crash and burn in hell.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Introduction To My World

So I decided to start this blog to kind of create a 'safe place' to let out my depression. The anger, frustration, despair, issues, problems, exhaustion, etc. This place is fair game. Something I may say might offend someone at some point. Just remember, this is MY rant and rave space. Go find your own. Swearing will probably occur. Probably even frequently.

So this is me, I've been suffering from clinical depression for almost as long as I can remember. I've tried several medications and seen several doctors and psychiatrists. The drug I'm on right now is called Pristiq. I'm taking two pills daily. I think it's actually working pretty well. Ironic how I decided to start this blog when I'm actually feeling pretty good.

Here's my drug list a.k.a. all the anti-depressants I've ever been on:

- Lexapro. My first. Was on only 10mg for months, went up to 40mg daily for about four months, then tried to go to 30mg daily and a week later I was in pretty poor shape. Went back up to 40mg. Overall, gained about 60lbs while on this drug. I was a size 5 in high school.

- Wellbutrin. (I loathe Wellbutrin) About the same time I got married I decided to try a different medication that didn't have so much weight gain potential. It sucked. Wellbutrin is NOT an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) and apparently I have to have an SSRI. Six months later my husband came home to find me sitting on our kitchen floor in a daze with a knife in my hand. My medication was changed the next day.

- Effexor XR. A good drug. Probably one of the best. I felt pretty good most of the time while on it. I was on it for about 8 or 9 months. I had to change to something that had a smaller pill because I was pregnant and gagging on the Effexor. So then came,

- Celexa. A drug that kept me functioning, but not happy. It was a small pill, and it was dirt cheap. After I had my son I stayed on it because we couldn't afford the monthly cost of Effexor. Again I stress that the drug kept me functioning, but I was not happy. I was on this for almost two years. That brings us to,

- Pristiq. I've been on it for about a month now. The drug change from Celexa to the Pristiq was HELL. I didn't have enough Celexa to wean off properly and the Pristiq was taking too long to kick in. I was miserable. I called my doctor and he got me a week's worth of Celexa and instructions to properly wean off of it, and he told me to take two Pristiqs daily. This has made an incredible difference. I feel lighter.

Pristiq is kind of an enhanced form of Effexor that they have found to be more effective. It's also cheaper. I have an appointment with my doctor this Wednesday and I'm hoping he'll keep me on two pills a day.

A little more history:

My dad suffered from major clinical depression. I use the past tense because he committed suicide on June 30th, 2008. His doctor was an asinine idiot, plus my dad took himself off his medication. NOT GOOD. NEVER TAKE YOURSELF OFF YOUR MEDICATION WITHOUT HELP FROM A GOOD DOCTOR. A lot of emotions have passed through me over this throughout the past year, but mostly I'm jealous. Jealous that he has escaped from this brain disease and I'm stuck here with it. Granted, I am in a bit of a better place than he was. I have a good medication and so far a decent doctor. My husband and my son help too.

So here's another problem. I'm LDS. Better known as a Mormon. I know it's the only true church on the earth and I know God lives, BUT............
I have major issues with God. I have a very hard time trusting him. I hate him for letting me live with this disease. I hate him for abandoning me when I need him most. In my darkest hours I can never feel him. Where is the help that he says he will provide? He is all powerful yet he won't heal me? You can see my dilemma. I know too much to turn my back on him completely, but I suffer too much to believe he wants to help me.

*sigh* I'm sure I'll post more later, but for now I need to go to bed. I have to drive 14 hours to get home tomorrow. >.<

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