Saturday, September 26, 2009


oh god i hate my life ... for the most part. i'm so fucking lonely right now. why the hell did i have to agree to my husband joining the army?!?

Thursday, September 24, 2009


After a month of being at my mom's house in Washington, I'm now back in Utah. Ask me if I'm thrilled and I'll laugh in your face. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if we weren't living in this part of the valley where there's a ginormous Hispanic community. I feel like i'm in Mexico sometimes. I actually had a cashier give me my total in Spanish tonight. Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist. I wouldn't mind it all so much if they at least spoke English. I also wouldn't mind it all if it didn't seem like gang related crime didn't seem to follow them around.
ANYways, aside from the mostly Hispanic community I live in, Utah sucks because it's too noisy. It was so quiet at my mom's house. I liked that a lot. I hear sirens daily here and stupid motorcyclists zooming by as loud as they can. Plus I live a block from the high school so the idiots walk past my house everyday. My poor dog has a bark collar on because otherwise he'd never shut up. People are a little different here too. They're not as friendly or laid back. It's funny, I'd never have thought I'd miss living in a small town like my mom's.

On a completely different note, I had my second appointment with my psychiatrist tonight. It went good and he agreed to keep me on 100mg of Pristiq a day. (yay!) I like this drug. It took a while to kick in, but that might have been in part because I was suffering from the withdrawal of the Celexa. So far I think I have a bit more energy, I'm less prone to irritability, and I can think clearer. Hopefully it'll continue to be a good drug for me.

And lastly:

Dear asshole,
I hate you. I still can't figure out WHY you flipped ME off. You're the complete idiot who merged onto the freeway into my lane when there was no one in the right lane and I was obviously going faster than you. I only sat on your ass because I assumed you would get into the right lane and let me pass. But you were still being stupid and didn't get over, so I passed you and you flipped ME off. I have a news flash for you, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. YOU DID JACKASS! I sincerely hope you crash and burn in hell.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Introduction To My World

So I decided to start this blog to kind of create a 'safe place' to let out my depression. The anger, frustration, despair, issues, problems, exhaustion, etc. This place is fair game. Something I may say might offend someone at some point. Just remember, this is MY rant and rave space. Go find your own. Swearing will probably occur. Probably even frequently.

So this is me, I've been suffering from clinical depression for almost as long as I can remember. I've tried several medications and seen several doctors and psychiatrists. The drug I'm on right now is called Pristiq. I'm taking two pills daily. I think it's actually working pretty well. Ironic how I decided to start this blog when I'm actually feeling pretty good.

Here's my drug list a.k.a. all the anti-depressants I've ever been on:

- Lexapro. My first. Was on only 10mg for months, went up to 40mg daily for about four months, then tried to go to 30mg daily and a week later I was in pretty poor shape. Went back up to 40mg. Overall, gained about 60lbs while on this drug. I was a size 5 in high school.

- Wellbutrin. (I loathe Wellbutrin) About the same time I got married I decided to try a different medication that didn't have so much weight gain potential. It sucked. Wellbutrin is NOT an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) and apparently I have to have an SSRI. Six months later my husband came home to find me sitting on our kitchen floor in a daze with a knife in my hand. My medication was changed the next day.

- Effexor XR. A good drug. Probably one of the best. I felt pretty good most of the time while on it. I was on it for about 8 or 9 months. I had to change to something that had a smaller pill because I was pregnant and gagging on the Effexor. So then came,

- Celexa. A drug that kept me functioning, but not happy. It was a small pill, and it was dirt cheap. After I had my son I stayed on it because we couldn't afford the monthly cost of Effexor. Again I stress that the drug kept me functioning, but I was not happy. I was on this for almost two years. That brings us to,

- Pristiq. I've been on it for about a month now. The drug change from Celexa to the Pristiq was HELL. I didn't have enough Celexa to wean off properly and the Pristiq was taking too long to kick in. I was miserable. I called my doctor and he got me a week's worth of Celexa and instructions to properly wean off of it, and he told me to take two Pristiqs daily. This has made an incredible difference. I feel lighter.

Pristiq is kind of an enhanced form of Effexor that they have found to be more effective. It's also cheaper. I have an appointment with my doctor this Wednesday and I'm hoping he'll keep me on two pills a day.

A little more history:

My dad suffered from major clinical depression. I use the past tense because he committed suicide on June 30th, 2008. His doctor was an asinine idiot, plus my dad took himself off his medication. NOT GOOD. NEVER TAKE YOURSELF OFF YOUR MEDICATION WITHOUT HELP FROM A GOOD DOCTOR. A lot of emotions have passed through me over this throughout the past year, but mostly I'm jealous. Jealous that he has escaped from this brain disease and I'm stuck here with it. Granted, I am in a bit of a better place than he was. I have a good medication and so far a decent doctor. My husband and my son help too.

So here's another problem. I'm LDS. Better known as a Mormon. I know it's the only true church on the earth and I know God lives, BUT............
I have major issues with God. I have a very hard time trusting him. I hate him for letting me live with this disease. I hate him for abandoning me when I need him most. In my darkest hours I can never feel him. Where is the help that he says he will provide? He is all powerful yet he won't heal me? You can see my dilemma. I know too much to turn my back on him completely, but I suffer too much to believe he wants to help me.

*sigh* I'm sure I'll post more later, but for now I need to go to bed. I have to drive 14 hours to get home tomorrow. >.<

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...