Friday, October 23, 2009

Pristiq is such a WONDERFUL drug......


You know why? Because at 150mg a day it's giving me really bad diarrhea. I know, lovely right? My family doctor has told me to go back down to 100mg. She also tried to draw blood to run tests just to check and make sure it really is the Pristiq, but guess what? I'm too dehydrated from the diarrhea. Every time they poked the needle in a vein, it collapsed. I came home with four neon pink gauze bandages on my arms, and at least two more puncture marks. I'm getting an I.V. tomorrow. I hate this.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I Had A Dream

I can't do this. I can't.

Everything I've eaten the last four days has run right through me. Even water. I'm not throwing up and I have no fever. All I want to do is sleep it off, whatever 'it' is. I feel queasy most of the time, either from lack of food or from the gurgliness in my G.I. tract. I can hardly go up and down the stairs without feeling like I'm going to die. But do mommies get a break? No. And especially not this mommy. I have a two year old that needs changed, fed, and loved everyday. Plus I have two cats, one especially obnoxious as of late, that need fed and kept out of trouble. Then there's the stupid dog. The stupid dog which has chewed up every fricken' kennel pad I've ever bought for him (you know, to make HIM more comfortable). This last one cost about $80 and I found it in pieces all over my backyard today. And I can't go pick it all up because that would cause an urgent need to go to the bathroom, which in turn would cause my ass to burn. Nor can I hardly give him the attention he needs because I'm busy trying to take care of my toddler and/or I'm feeling like crap. It wouldn't be so bad if Hubby were here, but no, he's halfway across the world serving his godforsaken country. I think I agreed to this career because I thought the money would be nice. That and I had a brand new little baby that I adored and made me feel good. Newborn euphoria or something. What the hell was I thinking???

When I was young I had a dream. I wanted to be a mother and have ten kids. I would be the kind of mom that sat on the ground with her kids and made sidewalk pictures with chalk. I'd be the homeschooling mom. The soccer mom.

Now i'm the mom who can barely take care of her one kid, let alone herself, plus two cats and a stupid dog. The mom who's been on five different anti-depressants and is losing hope in any of them. The mom who's church teaches that God will always help you, but can't feel God or see God in her life, and a big part of that is because of the depression. There's no place for depression in this church. The mom who's dad committed suicide because he suffered from depression and couldn't endure it any longer and has now left the mom with little hope of ever being able to endure it herself.

I had a dream. A dream of a strong woman. A goddess in her own right. A creative person. A supportive wife. A happy mother.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Having A Bad Day?

No, more like having a bad life.

I smashed two of my toes into the couch today. It hurt like hell. I think I scared my little boy because I was yelling from the pain. But he got over it. A lot faster than I got over the pain. They still hurt.

I hate having a dog. Especially such a giant monstrosity such as ours (German Shepherd, Black Lab mix). And to think, my husband wants a bull mastiff! I had to spend $150 on him today so he'd have a nice warm(ish), dry house to live in this winter. I got 30% off though because the vent on the top was broken and it was the only one they had. So that was nice. It wouldn't fit in my car though. At least not until I moved my son's car seat to the front passenger seat (a big no-no when you have airbags) so I could fold the back seats down to make room. That's how big the stupid thing is.

I texted my best friend and asked her what kind of coffee a newbie should get. I love her. She was nice enough to answer me without asking questions. 'Course, I still explained, but it was nice that she didn't ask. Anyways, I ended up getting a yummy burrito (for free!) and Pina Colada at Cafe Rio instead. I'll still keep her advice in mind though.

I decided to keep my son awake all day with NO nap so that he'd be ready to go to bed before 9pm tonight. It worked! It was really frustrating at times though because of his whining and crying and constantly wanting me for no reason. But, two hours after I put him down, he's quiet as a mouse in his room. Yay!

I started a puzzle with my friend's kid last night. I forget how much I like doing puzzles. So now it's sitting on what was originally supposed to be my puzzle table. The edges are done and I have a little bit of the top filled in. Maybe I'll actually finish it this weekend.

Tomorrow I have to get up early to pick up another friend's daughter and take her to the airport. I think I might stop by the yummy donut shop in the city 'on my way home'. Ok, it's not really on my way home, but they're worth it! Never thought I'd love a strawberry icing donut so much. Tomorrow is also General Conference. Whoopie doo. I won't be listening. I'm fed up and tired. I know there is a God and I know this church is true.....but I don't believe either wants to help me.

I wish I could die, or go into a coma, or just not exist anymore, but I can't. Stupid life. Stupid brain. Stupid disease.
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