I can't do this. I can't.
Everything I've eaten the last four days has run right through me. Even water. I'm not throwing up and I have no fever. All I want to do is sleep it off, whatever 'it' is. I feel queasy most of the time, either from lack of food or from the gurgliness in my G.I. tract. I can hardly go up and down the stairs without feeling like I'm going to die. But do mommies get a break? No. And especially not this mommy. I have a two year old that needs changed, fed, and loved everyday. Plus I have two cats, one especially obnoxious as of late, that need fed and kept out of trouble. Then there's the stupid dog. The stupid dog which has chewed up every fricken' kennel pad I've ever bought for him (you know, to make HIM more comfortable). This last one cost about $80 and I found it in pieces all over my backyard today. And I can't go pick it all up because that would cause an urgent need to go to the bathroom, which in turn would cause my ass to burn. Nor can I hardly give him the attention he needs because I'm busy trying to take care of my toddler and/or I'm feeling like crap. It wouldn't be so bad if Hubby were here, but no, he's halfway across the world serving his godforsaken country. I think I agreed to this career because I thought the money would be nice. That and I had a brand new little baby that I adored and made me feel good. Newborn euphoria or something. What the hell was I thinking???
When I was young I had a dream. I wanted to be a mother and have ten kids. I would be the kind of mom that sat on the ground with her kids and made sidewalk pictures with chalk. I'd be the homeschooling mom. The soccer mom.
Now i'm the mom who can barely take care of her one kid, let alone herself, plus two cats and a stupid dog. The mom who's been on five different anti-depressants and is losing hope in any of them. The mom who's church teaches that God will always help you, but can't feel God or see God in her life, and a big part of that is because of the depression. There's no place for depression in this church. The mom who's dad committed suicide because he suffered from depression and couldn't endure it any longer and has now left the mom with little hope of ever being able to endure it herself.
I had a dream. A dream of a strong woman. A goddess in her own right. A creative person. A supportive wife. A happy mother.