Why is it that everyone wants me to keep living in misery? They think they can help? They think they'll find something that will work? They want me to work through it. My dad went through it over and over and over again until he couldn't anymore and killed himself at the age of 52.
I cut myself for the first time today. I tried to write the word 'broken' into my arm, but it was taking forever and i'm a wuss so all I've got are a couple of little lines. They barely scratched the surface.
I keep thinking of different ways to kill myself but they all frighten me......and who's to say death would even hold any relief anyways?
I wish there were some way I could not exist.
I wish I could just keep sleeping and someone else would take care of Ethan.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
What Makes Them So Special?
It seems like almost every one of my married friends is pregnant with their second baby. I want to have another baby...
but I know I can't. Not right now anyway. I can't even get pregnant until my husband comes home. We had decided to try and get pregnant again while he's home in January for two weeks, but I just don't see how that's going to be possible. I'm hardly functioning by myself with our 2 year old son! Add to that pregnant and it would make my depressed and miserable self even more so. No. It's going to have to wait until he comes home in June/July. Then he can take care of our son while I worship the porcelain god of the bathroom, take multiple naps a day, and avoid the kitchen at all costs so as not to come across any offending smells.
But you know, I ask myself if I even want to dare try and bring another being into this godforsaken world at the high risk of them becoming just like me. Another depressed, dysfunctional, incapable of contributing positively to society individual. If my son.....it kills me to think it's even a possibility. I will never forgive myself if he is diagnosed with this disease.
I hate that it seems like everyone else has something I want. Whether it's a physical thing, or a personality trait. Everyone has crappy things happen to them in life, but some people, like my mom, have this uncanny ability to get through it, and are almost always stronger because of it. For me, sometimes even the smallest negative can practically destroy me.
Today was the first day in a long time that I truly thought about killing myself. But i'm such a pansy and have this huge fear of the physical pain of death. I know for some, mainly my family members, that should be seen as a blessing. Speaking of family.....Dear Hubby, if you're still reading this...................well.......don't come crying to me if you read something you don't like.
I'm beginning to wonder if I should look for a different psychiatrist....I feel like the guy I have now doesn't always listen very well. He's good in the sense that he is trying to help, but still......maybe I should find a new one....
He's putting me on Prozac now. The Pristiq was a huge bust in my opinion....not so much in his............ *sigh* Here comes drug number six.....
He also wants me to see a therapist. I have an appointment with one of his at the end of the month. I don't really know how I feel about that. I miss Karen. Oh god do I miss Karen. Part of me would move back to Idaho in a heartbeat just to see her again. I even miss our old little house. It was so cute and relatively easy for me to take care of. It didn't have a backyard or attached garage though, and the walls and bathroom both needed an upgrade. But still, I miss it sometimes.
In my dreams there's a cute little modern farmhouse on a huge plot of land where the sun almost always shines and I spend my days relaxing on the porch swing while I watch my son play in the front yard. My husband and I go for nature walks and the dog runs free without a care. We make french toast or German pancakes for breakfasts, and on the weekends we drive into the city to see a movie and go shopping. At night we snuggle by the fireplace and read while the cats get cozy on our laps.
No drugs, no sadness, no Army, no going away for months or weeks at a time. No busy streets and sirens. No politics either would be nice.
*sigh*
Oh yeah, and I would be 90lbs skinnier.
but I know I can't. Not right now anyway. I can't even get pregnant until my husband comes home. We had decided to try and get pregnant again while he's home in January for two weeks, but I just don't see how that's going to be possible. I'm hardly functioning by myself with our 2 year old son! Add to that pregnant and it would make my depressed and miserable self even more so. No. It's going to have to wait until he comes home in June/July. Then he can take care of our son while I worship the porcelain god of the bathroom, take multiple naps a day, and avoid the kitchen at all costs so as not to come across any offending smells.
But you know, I ask myself if I even want to dare try and bring another being into this godforsaken world at the high risk of them becoming just like me. Another depressed, dysfunctional, incapable of contributing positively to society individual. If my son.....it kills me to think it's even a possibility. I will never forgive myself if he is diagnosed with this disease.
I hate that it seems like everyone else has something I want. Whether it's a physical thing, or a personality trait. Everyone has crappy things happen to them in life, but some people, like my mom, have this uncanny ability to get through it, and are almost always stronger because of it. For me, sometimes even the smallest negative can practically destroy me.
Today was the first day in a long time that I truly thought about killing myself. But i'm such a pansy and have this huge fear of the physical pain of death. I know for some, mainly my family members, that should be seen as a blessing. Speaking of family.....Dear Hubby, if you're still reading this...................well.......don't come crying to me if you read something you don't like.
I'm beginning to wonder if I should look for a different psychiatrist....I feel like the guy I have now doesn't always listen very well. He's good in the sense that he is trying to help, but still......maybe I should find a new one....
He's putting me on Prozac now. The Pristiq was a huge bust in my opinion....not so much in his............ *sigh* Here comes drug number six.....
He also wants me to see a therapist. I have an appointment with one of his at the end of the month. I don't really know how I feel about that. I miss Karen. Oh god do I miss Karen. Part of me would move back to Idaho in a heartbeat just to see her again. I even miss our old little house. It was so cute and relatively easy for me to take care of. It didn't have a backyard or attached garage though, and the walls and bathroom both needed an upgrade. But still, I miss it sometimes.
In my dreams there's a cute little modern farmhouse on a huge plot of land where the sun almost always shines and I spend my days relaxing on the porch swing while I watch my son play in the front yard. My husband and I go for nature walks and the dog runs free without a care. We make french toast or German pancakes for breakfasts, and on the weekends we drive into the city to see a movie and go shopping. At night we snuggle by the fireplace and read while the cats get cozy on our laps.
No drugs, no sadness, no Army, no going away for months or weeks at a time. No busy streets and sirens. No politics either would be nice.
*sigh*
Oh yeah, and I would be 90lbs skinnier.
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