Beautiful & Powerful

Please take the time to watch this video. It is full of beautiful words and powerful images. Please share.

"I'm Christian, unless you're _________"

This blog series by Dan Pearce has really struck me to my core. It's very powerful. I've shared it on Facebook and Twitter, but realized today I haven't posted it here. So here it is. Please read them. Open your hearts. Open your minds. Only let love in, and only let love out. <3

First Post:
http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html

First Round of Responses:
http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/powerful-responses-to-im-christian-unless-youre-gay-blog.html

Second Round of Responses:
http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/few-more-powerful-responses-to-im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html

Video of Responses:
http://www.danoah.com/2011/12/responses-video-to-the-im-christian-unless-youre-gay-post.html

Also, please share these with your friends and family!

I Am A Mother

I feel the need to clarify something. If you don't want to listen to a rant then please move on to the next website.

I have a son. Ethan. He'll be four on the 28th of this month. I was ecstatic when I found out I was pregnant with him and somehow I just knew he was going to stick around and I never really worried about losing him during my pregnancy. Being pregnant was hard on me, but I loved my birthing experience. I loved becoming a mother. I loved having a newborn and watching him grow. I loved everything about motherhood up until Ethan turned 2 1/2. This is about the age where toddlers start exercising their newfound opinions, voice, wants, and desires. The tantrums started. The whining started. I would take being pregnant and sick over dealing with tantrums and whining! Age three has been EXTREMELY difficult for me to deal with, but I want to make one thing VERY CLEAR:

I LOVE MY SON

I am not a perfect mother or person, but I AM a good mother and a good person. I want what's best for my son. I want him to learn how to be truly happy in life. I want to help guide him to becoming an amazing individual.

I may complain a lot during this age, and probably in the future as well, but that's because motherhood is HARD. It's not always fun. It's stressful, and intimidating. It can even hurt sometimes. And yes, sometimes I want to not be a mom, and just take a break, but I will always come back. I will always be a mom to my son. I may make mistakes and say or do stupid things sometimes, but I LOVE MY SON. I will always stand by his side and strive to support him in everything. I am a GOOD mother. I am a GOOD person. I would NEVER give up fighting if someone tried to take him away from me. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"? Hell hath no fury like mama bear. I pity the fool who would ever try to come between me and my son (his future wife aside of course).

So, I don't care what you think of me, but don't you dare get in my way of being a mother.

I know there are bumpy roads ahead, but I promised Ethan when I was still pregnant with him that I would never leave him. There will be many days where I will want to scream and pull my hair out, but my son will ALWAYS know that I love him and that I will be there for him no matter what.

And ultimately, isn't that the most important thing of all?

Unfortunately I don't have any recent pictures of he and I together. I need to fix that.

Prozac and Motherhood

I'm not a perfect person and I will never claim to be or even pretend to be. What you see is what you get.
Lately, I've been having my first serious bout of depression since the Prozac kicked in early last year. It's really scaring the hell out of me. But that's not all. Slowly, in the last few months, my feelings (aside from anger and depression) have disappeared. When I say 'I love you' there is little to no emotion behind the words. You can imagine how difficult this makes my family life. Last week on Facebook I posted 'I hate being a mom.' I was having a particularly hard day and needed words of encouragement. I guess Facebook wasn't the place to look for it. Sure, a few of my friends said things like "I'm sorry you're having a tough time" and things like that, but there were several people who instead of focusing on my obvious need criticized me for using the word hate in conjunction with motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I understand their reactions, but every bit of criticism no matter how kindly said or lovingly meant was like rubbing salt in an already festering wound. Reading them, I felt more lousy and miserable than when I first posted the status. I honestly don't think that there is a single mother out there who hasn't or won't say at some point during motherhood 'I hate this'. We all have our breaking points and some come easier than for others. And don't pretend motherhood is oh so rosy for you all the time when that breaking point comes up for someone else. It's not fair to throw that in anyone's face no matter how well-intentioned. Take a deep breath and try to see that your friend is in need. If you're able to do that then when you reach your breaking point your friend will be there for you. And you know, in all honesty I'd rather my kid remember me saying 'I hate being a mom' now and then than to have him remember me hitting him all the time because I couldn't vent my frustration out elsewhere.

P.S. It's hard to love being a mom when your three-year-old is constantly telling you no, yelling at you, talking back, and being all around defiant. The teenage years are going to be fun I can tell.....

Reminders & Life

It's been two months, two weeks, and five days.

Overall, I've done pretty well, but there have been some days or moments where my heart sinks as it's reminded once again of what I lost. Mother's Day sucked. Hubby was gone for three weeks for training and my brother got married and moved out so I was all alone. Well, with Ethan. But it's not like he has a clue about what happened.

I swear a small piece of my heart dies every time I see a pregnant woman, or hear about a friend's pregnancy, or see a new baby, or just remember. Sometimes I wonder if one day I'll have any heart left at all.

I've been through so much and I've worked so hard that to have had this happen is a bit of a blow to my self esteem. I don't think I've fully recovered. Not sure I ever fully will. I feel like I have this whisper of a ghost following me around, but not in a bad way, just a sad way.

Why is this coming up again now? Well, my period decided to grace me with a visit starting last Saturday. I was a little freaked out at first seeing blood from that area again, but since I'm more uncomfortable than in pain I knew it wasn't another miscarriage. I guess it's nice to know that my system still works (sometimes), but also disappointed I'm not pregnant again. I know it all takes time, but that doesn't take away the pain or the disappointment.

Sorry, I'm really not trying to be a downer, I just needed to talk about it for a minute. Talking about it helps me remember, but talking about it also takes some of the sting away.

Anyways, it's looking to be a quiet summer. We're broke so that severely limits any plans or vacations. But, I'm taking my first photography class now. Five hours two nights a week. I really hope we don't have to endure a lot of lecturing...

Oh, right after my brother got married I decided I desperately needed to get out of town before my three year old drove me insane, so my mom paid for me to drive up to her place in Washington and we had a nice little two and a half week vacation with Grandma. The driving was really no fun, but it was worth it to be home and see friends and family again.

We've had a lot of good weather lately and Ethan is enjoying spending most of his time in the backyard with the dog. He blows bubbles, draws with his chalk, plays chase with the dog, and sometimes goes and watches the neighborhood by our gate with the dog sitting next to him. It's rather cute.

Hmm, other than that there's really not much going on here. Although, I do have some parting words of wisdom for you:

1. Coffee is a laxative. At least for me. Despite loving the taste and smell I've sworn it off. (This is something I had to learn for myself)

2. Stardust the book is AWFUL. Stardust the movie is AWESOME.

3. Homemade bread is a huge weakness of mine. It never lasts long enough and I swear i've gained 20lbs just from it.

4. Drink more water. Essentially drown yourself in it. I'm still struggling with this.

5. The BBC show Sherlock is awesome and I apparently love everything Sherlock Holmes. (Note, the soundtrack for Sherlock Holmes the movie is my favorite)

6. Macs really are brilliant and Microsoft really sucks 99% of the time.

7. I want to be a world traveling photographer.

8. I realized I collect blankets like hubby collects sweatshirts and like others collect stamps.

9. I love fair weather, but don't necessarily enjoy being out *in* it.

10. In order to change the things I don't like in my life I need to actually *DO* something.

And now, I'm off to bed. Good night!

*sigh* I really need to focus on what I have and forget about what I don't have.

But, on a happier note, my little brother got married today!

More to come later :)

Sad Goodbye

Dear sweet baby,
Thank you. Thank you for choosing me as your mother. Thank you for letting me carry you, even if it was only for seven short weeks. Thank you for all the good you brought into my life during those seven weeks. We are all sad you won't be joining us in this life, you are very much loved by your family. I love you very much and I hope that I'm able to meet you some day when I've passed away from this life. I will miss you until then.

Love,
Mommy

Surprise!

Happiness

I've spent years waiting to feel 'normal'. To live life without the burden of depression weighing me down. A year and a half ago I was on the wrong medication. I needed help but I didn't know how to ask or ask right. I literally couldn't. So I did the only thing I knew 100% would get me the help I needed. I purposefully took a handful of sleeping pills. I wanted to sleep forever (not die, sleep). But deep down I knew it was the only way I would get the help I knew I needed and wanted. I was right. My brother found me delirious on the kitchen floor and called 911. My memory is kind of spotty, I only remember bits and pieces where I was conscious. They took me to the ER, but they didn't pump my stomach (not entirely sure why). At some point I was moved from the ER room to a regular room and during one point of consciousness a hospital therapist asked me if I wanted to be moved to a behavioral unit. I said yes and was transferred via ambulance to a different hospital. Even though I agreed to go I was required to spend one full day there no matter what. I ended up being there for four days before going to live with my mom for a while. I was put on Prozac and started seeing a psychiatrist/therapist team. As each day passed the Prozac worked more and more. After six months I moved back to my own home and felt happier than I had in years. I was on top of the world.

Then my husband returned from a year in Iraq. Post deployment and reunification are hard enough without adding my experience into it, but add that, and it really hasn't been easy. We started seeing a marriage counselor and there's been a lot of improvement in some areas, but not so much improvement in others. We've literally had to relearn how to be married again (minus that whole newlywed phase). As I look back on the past six months I realize something. I've been trying to live a happy life according to how others believe. Such as, "Do A,B,C, and D, and you'll find happiness." But it's not working. It never has. I have to stop doing things that other people say will bring me happiness and start living my life and finding out what really does bring me happiness. That's what life is all about. And I finally have the ability and chance to really live. So, I guess what I'm saying is, don't be disappointed in me or sad for me if I live life differently from the way you do. What makes you happy won't necessarily make me happy. My biggest realization today was that happiness is my ultimate priority. Probably because I couldn't achieve it for so many years. Granted, there are some things I know I can't walk away from when they make me unhappy, such as, when my son throws a horrible tantrum and it stretches my patience dangerously thin. I am a mother. That can't and won't change no matter what I do, so I will do my damnedest to make the best of it and cherish the easier/precious times I have with my son. Never take for granted your choice and ability to be happy because there are some people out there that aren't able to make that choice, by no fault of their own.

I am Marie. I am a Goddess. I am a phoenix rising from the ashes of what my life used to be, of what used to define me. Now, I define myself; I create my path. I will do anything and everything in my power to hold onto this. No one will take it from me again. No one.