Wednesday, February 16, 2011


I've spent years waiting to feel 'normal'. To live life without the burden of depression weighing me down. A year and a half ago I was on the wrong medication. I needed help but I didn't know how to ask or ask right. I literally couldn't. So I did the only thing I knew 100% would get me the help I needed. I purposefully took a handful of sleeping pills. I wanted to sleep forever (not die, sleep). But deep down I knew it was the only way I would get the help I knew I needed and wanted. I was right. My brother found me delirious on the kitchen floor and called 911. My memory is kind of spotty, I only remember bits and pieces where I was conscious. They took me to the ER, but they didn't pump my stomach (not entirely sure why). At some point I was moved from the ER room to a regular room and during one point of consciousness a hospital therapist asked me if I wanted to be moved to a behavioral unit. I said yes and was transferred via ambulance to a different hospital. Even though I agreed to go I was required to spend one full day there no matter what. I ended up being there for four days before going to live with my mom for a while. I was put on Prozac and started seeing a psychiatrist/therapist team. As each day passed the Prozac worked more and more. After six months I moved back to my own home and felt happier than I had in years. I was on top of the world.
Then my husband returned from a year in Iraq. Post deployment and reunification are hard enough without adding my experience into it, but add that, and it really hasn't been easy. We started seeing a marriage counselor and there's been a lot of improvement in some areas, but not so much improvement in others. We've literally had to relearn how to be married again (minus that whole newlywed phase). As I look back on the past six months I realize something. I've been trying to live a happy life according to how others believe. Such as, "Do A,B,C, and D, and you'll find happiness." But it's not working. It never has. I have to stop doing things that other people say will bring me happiness and start living my life and finding out what really does bring me happiness. That's what life is all about. And I finally have the ability and chance to really live. So, I guess what I'm saying is, don't be disappointed in me or sad for me if I live life differently from the way you do. What makes you happy won't necessarily make me happy. My biggest realization today was that happiness is my ultimate priority. Probably because I couldn't achieve it for so many years. Granted, there are some things I know I can't walk away from when they make me unhappy, such as, when my son throws a horrible tantrum and it stretches my patience dangerously thin. I am a mother. That can't and won't change no matter what I do, so I will do my damnedest to make the best of it and cherish the easier/precious times I have with my son. Never take for granted your choice and ability to be happy because there are some people out there that aren't able to make that choice, by no fault of their own.

I am Marie. I am a Goddess. I am a phoenix rising from the ashes of what my life used to be, of what used to define me. Now, I define myself; I create my path. I will do anything and everything in my power to hold onto this. No one will take it from me again. No one.

1 comment:

HAYHAY said...

Powerful. I love reading about your journey. It is painful, powerful, and real. I love real. I love that you are writing about it... coming face to face with it, and blessing the lives of others. Thank you. You are a Goddess Rising!

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