Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Reminders & Life

It's been two months, two weeks, and five days.

Overall, I've done pretty well, but there have been some days or moments where my heart sinks as it's reminded once again of what I lost. Mother's Day sucked. Hubby was gone for three weeks for training and my brother got married and moved out so I was all alone. Well, with Ethan. But it's not like he has a clue about what happened.

I swear a small piece of my heart dies every time I see a pregnant woman, or hear about a friend's pregnancy, or see a new baby, or just remember. Sometimes I wonder if one day I'll have any heart left at all.

I've been through so much and I've worked so hard that to have had this happen is a bit of a blow to my self esteem. I don't think I've fully recovered. Not sure I ever fully will. I feel like I have this whisper of a ghost following me around, but not in a bad way, just a sad way.

Why is this coming up again now? Well, my period decided to grace me with a visit starting last Saturday. I was a little freaked out at first seeing blood from that area again, but since I'm more uncomfortable than in pain I knew it wasn't another miscarriage. I guess it's nice to know that my system still works (sometimes), but also disappointed I'm not pregnant again. I know it all takes time, but that doesn't take away the pain or the disappointment.

Sorry, I'm really not trying to be a downer, I just needed to talk about it for a minute. Talking about it helps me remember, but talking about it also takes some of the sting away.

Anyways, it's looking to be a quiet summer. We're broke so that severely limits any plans or vacations. But, I'm taking my first photography class now. Five hours two nights a week. I really hope we don't have to endure a lot of lecturing...

Oh, right after my brother got married I decided I desperately needed to get out of town before my three year old drove me insane, so my mom paid for me to drive up to her place in Washington and we had a nice little two and a half week vacation with Grandma. The driving was really no fun, but it was worth it to be home and see friends and family again.

We've had a lot of good weather lately and Ethan is enjoying spending most of his time in the backyard with the dog. He blows bubbles, draws with his chalk, plays chase with the dog, and sometimes goes and watches the neighborhood by our gate with the dog sitting next to him. It's rather cute.

Hmm, other than that there's really not much going on here. Although, I do have some parting words of wisdom for you:

1. Coffee is a laxative. At least for me. Despite loving the taste and smell I've sworn it off. (This is something I had to learn for myself)

2. Stardust the book is AWFUL. Stardust the movie is AWESOME.

3. Homemade bread is a huge weakness of mine. It never lasts long enough and I swear i've gained 20lbs just from it.

4. Drink more water. Essentially drown yourself in it. I'm still struggling with this.

5. The BBC show Sherlock is awesome and I apparently love everything Sherlock Holmes. (Note, the soundtrack for Sherlock Holmes the movie is my favorite)

6. Macs really are brilliant and Microsoft really sucks 99% of the time.

7. I want to be a world traveling photographer.

8. I realized I collect blankets like hubby collects sweatshirts and like others collect stamps.

9. I love fair weather, but don't necessarily enjoy being out *in* it.

10. In order to change the things I don't like in my life I need to actually *DO* something.

And now, I'm off to bed. Good night!


Dawnette said...

10. In order to change the things I don't like in my life I need to actually *DO* something.

If only I could figure this one out too. It's the lack of movement that does me in.

And, why did you start drinking coffee anyway? Do you think maybe the caffeine is what you are after? Extra energy?

Marie said...

I used to sip my friends' coffee in high school. I've always loved the smell and found I loved the taste. While Chris was deployed I started getting the Java/Mocha smoothie at McDonald's or I'd get a Starbuck's Doubleshot Vanilla Frappaccino when I wanted or needed some extra energy, but my main reason for drinking coffee was not for the caffeine, but more because I love the taste and smell. Granted, the extra energy was extremely helpful sometimes when I was having a rough day. When I started drinking it more regularly I noticed I was starting to feel sick afterwards and not long after I realized it was a quite an effective laxative for me. I hate feeling sick in that way so I decided not to drink coffee anymore. I'll have to figure out a way to replace that flavor craving, but I'm thinking of getting a coffee scented candle for when I'm missing the smell. Oh, the other thing about coffee is that it makes me nostalgic and think of home. ^.^

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