Monday, September 21, 2009

Introduction To My World

So I decided to start this blog to kind of create a 'safe place' to let out my depression. The anger, frustration, despair, issues, problems, exhaustion, etc. This place is fair game. Something I may say might offend someone at some point. Just remember, this is MY rant and rave space. Go find your own. Swearing will probably occur. Probably even frequently.

So this is me, I've been suffering from clinical depression for almost as long as I can remember. I've tried several medications and seen several doctors and psychiatrists. The drug I'm on right now is called Pristiq. I'm taking two pills daily. I think it's actually working pretty well. Ironic how I decided to start this blog when I'm actually feeling pretty good.

Here's my drug list a.k.a. all the anti-depressants I've ever been on:

- Lexapro. My first. Was on only 10mg for months, went up to 40mg daily for about four months, then tried to go to 30mg daily and a week later I was in pretty poor shape. Went back up to 40mg. Overall, gained about 60lbs while on this drug. I was a size 5 in high school.

- Wellbutrin. (I loathe Wellbutrin) About the same time I got married I decided to try a different medication that didn't have so much weight gain potential. It sucked. Wellbutrin is NOT an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) and apparently I have to have an SSRI. Six months later my husband came home to find me sitting on our kitchen floor in a daze with a knife in my hand. My medication was changed the next day.

- Effexor XR. A good drug. Probably one of the best. I felt pretty good most of the time while on it. I was on it for about 8 or 9 months. I had to change to something that had a smaller pill because I was pregnant and gagging on the Effexor. So then came,

- Celexa. A drug that kept me functioning, but not happy. It was a small pill, and it was dirt cheap. After I had my son I stayed on it because we couldn't afford the monthly cost of Effexor. Again I stress that the drug kept me functioning, but I was not happy. I was on this for almost two years. That brings us to,

- Pristiq. I've been on it for about a month now. The drug change from Celexa to the Pristiq was HELL. I didn't have enough Celexa to wean off properly and the Pristiq was taking too long to kick in. I was miserable. I called my doctor and he got me a week's worth of Celexa and instructions to properly wean off of it, and he told me to take two Pristiqs daily. This has made an incredible difference. I feel lighter.

Pristiq is kind of an enhanced form of Effexor that they have found to be more effective. It's also cheaper. I have an appointment with my doctor this Wednesday and I'm hoping he'll keep me on two pills a day.

A little more history:

My dad suffered from major clinical depression. I use the past tense because he committed suicide on June 30th, 2008. His doctor was an asinine idiot, plus my dad took himself off his medication. NOT GOOD. NEVER TAKE YOURSELF OFF YOUR MEDICATION WITHOUT HELP FROM A GOOD DOCTOR. A lot of emotions have passed through me over this throughout the past year, but mostly I'm jealous. Jealous that he has escaped from this brain disease and I'm stuck here with it. Granted, I am in a bit of a better place than he was. I have a good medication and so far a decent doctor. My husband and my son help too.

So here's another problem. I'm LDS. Better known as a Mormon. I know it's the only true church on the earth and I know God lives, BUT............
I have major issues with God. I have a very hard time trusting him. I hate him for letting me live with this disease. I hate him for abandoning me when I need him most. In my darkest hours I can never feel him. Where is the help that he says he will provide? He is all powerful yet he won't heal me? You can see my dilemma. I know too much to turn my back on him completely, but I suffer too much to believe he wants to help me.

*sigh* I'm sure I'll post more later, but for now I need to go to bed. I have to drive 14 hours to get home tomorrow. >.<


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