Haunted

The past couple of days I've felt like death warmed over. Not physically, emotionally. I finally realized today what it is. I'm depressed. It's a scary thing to say that. I know it's not like the depressed I used to feel, I'm still able to think clearer than then, but it's still scary to know I'm feeling this way. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, and sleep it off. I have no patience for Ethan and feel distanced from my husband. I know it will go away even though I have that dreaded fear it won't. I just hope it goes away soon.

-Marie
Goddess temporarily in hiding...


EDIT (wanted to write these down for myself more than anything)
Symptoms:
- zero energy
- no patience
- extreme fatigue
- indecisive
- little interest in things
- feel like sobbing
- little appetite
- feeling 'off'
- extreme desire for comfort, whether in clothing, food, smells, affection, or other things

P.S. Tried a drink called Neuro Bliss tonight. It's specifically designed to help with stress and mood. It seemed to help a little bit. Going to pick up more tomorrow to keep around for times like this.

I Am a Big Sister

Life always seems to get in the way of me writing on here, but I need to do it. Maybe I'll make Saturdays my blog day...

Anyways, I wanted to get on here and talk about bullying, and the other ridiculous things that go hand in hand with it: Gossip, Hypocrisy, and Double Standards to name a few. I recently read a wonderful post on a wonderful mother's blog. Here is the link because I think everyone can learn something from it:

http://nerdyapplebottom.com/2010/11/02/my-son-is-gay/

I can't go into too much detail, but I wanted to write about a situation my sister has found herself dealing with over and over again. First off, my little sister is 17, a senior, class president, very smart, VERY talented. She takes care of herself by watching what she eats and staying active. She is gorgeous, and I am not just saying that because I'm her sister. Here, I'll show you.

Picture Copyright Tara Staton Photography

Told ya. She is a beautiful person inside and out. She has high standards. And she keeps them. She is a hard worker. She's goofy, fun, silly, and a wonderful aunt to my little boy. She's the girl that more girls ought to be like. Unfortunately, this can be a problem for her. She's the first to be belittled, gossiped about, and walked over. Bullying has kind of taken center stage in the news lately, but I think there needs to be more light shed on the 'hidden bullying' that is just as much a real problem. The bullying done by thoughtless peers and friends. But worst of all, by the so-called adults. When did it become ok to assume nasty things about someone even when their moral character screams otherwise? When did it become ok to accept what a gossiper says and forget the truth you know of the person being gossiped about? When did it become ok to be so critical of each other? When did we become so self-centered? When did it become ok for adults to treat the younger generations with such cruelty? And we wonder why kids these days are so screwed up...

It deeply saddens me that this happens to anyone, but it cuts especially deep when someone I know will say how wonderful my sister is one day, but the next assume the worst possible things about her. Can't you see the purity radiating from her? How can you see all her goodness and then believe a spiteful lie or assumption? Stop pointing fingers at others and start taking a good hard look at yourself. You might find a lot that you don't like, but the good news is, we can learn from our faults and mistakes and choose to better ourselves. What will your choice be? I know what mine is.

A Good Reminder and A Lesson In Love

First, I want all you wives and/or mothers to go read this:
http://www.thecoffeeshopblog.com/2010/10/how-i-dont-do-it-all-and-can-live-with.html

Secondly, go watch this video:
http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=430598599645

Third, I've been in quite a funk the past few days and I'm finding it hard to get out of it. It scares me to be perfectly honest, because it reminds me of who I used to be: the girl with depression. I've been doing my best to not let it get me all the way down, but I'm still in that funk. What are some things you do to help yourself feel better when you're feeling funky?

Luvs and Huggies,
-Marie

Life Goals v. Game Goals

I often get annoyed at myself for the amount of time I spend playing games on my computer. This was happening again while Hubby has been home recovering. Then one night I realized something. The games I play may be fun, but whenever I meet a goal in a game I don't feel very satisfied. But, if I meet a goal that I've made for the day, such as doing laundry or the dishes, when I accomplish that goal I feel much more satisfied. I'm also a more pleasant person to be around. It drives me nuts when Ethan comes in and bugs me while I'm trying to do just one more thing in a game. Ethan starts to act out. I get angrier and angrier. Nobody wins in that situation.

So, this past week I've been trying to remind myself of that whenever I play a game. It's been much easier for me to walk away and accomplish a 'life goal'. I get less angry at Ethan. Ethan gets more attention from mommy. Everyone is happier. (And I still get to play my games!)

Before, when I was depressed all the time, it was all I could do just to get out of bed and drag myself to my computer chair. Now, I have so much potential that I need to work extra hard not to fall into old habits.

Things I'm getting better at:
- doing the dishes every day
- making the bed every day
- remembering to snuggle and tickle and play with Ethan

Things I still need to work on:
- wiping off the kitchen counters every day
- cleaning the bathroom every week
- vacuuming much more often

What are some life goals you are working on?

EDIT:

My friend Monica posted this on her Facebook status today and I thought it went along so perfectly that I had to add it here:

‎"In the absence of clearly defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it." - Robert Heinlein

Hubby's Surgery

Do you know what a claw toe is? A claw toe is a claw-like deformity of a toe. Looks something like this:

Or this, in my hubby's case:

It causes pain from rubbing against shoes, and blisters or callouses. So, he had it removed. Three weeks ago today in fact. It was a fairly brief surgery, but we spent a good deal of the day at the hospital doing lots of waiting. (Big thanks to Hubby's grandma and grandpa for taking care of Ethan during that time!) He pretty much took the week off of school since he has to use crutches to get around, and last week was fall break so we had a nice two weeks where he was at home. I tried to be the dutiful wife and do things for him, but most times it was like pulling teeth to get him to let me help him! *Somebody* has a very independent streak!  ;)

This Thursday he goes back in to have the stitches removed and hopefully he won't need the crutches anymore. It was kind of funny, but there was only one person on his surgery team that asked me how I felt about it. Big picture: It's just a toe. He doesn't need it, hasn't needed it for some time. It causes problems. If he's willing to let me get my boobs 'undone' (as I like to say), then who am I to say he can't get a problematic/worthless toe removed?
Little picture goes more like this: EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There's going to be a VOID where his baby toe was!!!!!!  It's going to look SO GROSS until it's fully healed!!!!!! *shudder*  I don't want to even LOOK at his foot until it looks semi-normal again!

I literally get the heebie jeebies every time I think about it. Now, if it had been me who'd had the toe removed I'd be morbidly curious about it. Go figure. I'm just weird like that I guess. It's like when I get blood drawn at the doctor's office, I have to watch. I have to know what's causing the pain/discomfort and to know when it's going to end. When the hospital admitted me when I was in labor with Ethan they took me up, got me all settled in, and asked if I still wanted an epidural. I was like "HELL YES! HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO WAIT FOR IT?!???" And when the doctor finally came to administer it I wanted so badly to watch him stick that needle in my back, but I was a bit preoccupied with some intense contractions. Probably a good thing too because I'm not sure which hurt worse.....but I'm going to say it was the contraction.

Anyways, here I am going off on a tangent. I will try to post a picture of Hubby's foot once it looks 'normal'. But for now, try not to have too many nightmares of decrepit toes.

Luvs and Huggies!
-Marie

Catharsis

I don't know why I keep putting this off. I need to blog. Get it out of my head so maybe it'll stop pounding against it. I need some catharsis. Catharsis or katharsis is a Greek word meaning "cleansing" or "purging". (Wikipedia)


To start, I'll go back to what I should have posted a few weeks ago: My day out with my good friend, Taryn.

Taryn lives about a half an hour north of me and has a daughter just a few months older than Ethan. We all needed a playdate, so Ethan and I packed up and headed up to their house. Taryn and I also both had errands to run so we did them together. We dropped her car off for some repairs and then headed to the mall. Ethan needed pants and socks so we went to Gymboree. I love their kids' socks! The boys' usually are 5 for $10 and they work really well for Ethan. They have non-skid bottoms and they never fall off (by themselves). After that we went to Carters and I bought a nice fall jacket for Ethan, a shirt, and a couple of cute little outfits for Taryn's soon-to-be-born baby boy. I *love* Carters! They always have cheap prices or sales or both! AND I had three awesome coupons! What would have been about $60 ended up only costing me about $20! YAY!

After Carters Taryn and I were both craving this:

New York Cheesecake pancakes at IHOP! OH. MY. GOODNESS. Talk about HEAVEN IN A PANCAKE!!!!!! I think I actually spend a great deal of time thinking/dreaming about these pancakes. See those chunks in the pancakes? Those are chunks of real cheesecake! They don't just make them taste like cheesecake, they put REAL CHEESECAKE CHUNKS IN THEM! Smooth and creamy these pancakes are just to die for! If you have an IHOP near you, you MUST go try them. Seriously. Be prepared to overfill your caloric intake on this one meal though...

After lunch Ethan was acting really tired so we dropped Taryn and Joryn off at home and headed back to our house. Ethan took a nice little nap on the way. Ok, gotta rewind a little bit. Before we went up to Taryn's I had checked the mail. We received two checks. This whole thing made me cry because we were running out of money and didn't know when we'd be getting more. One was from my mom, and one was from hubby's Grandma in Oregon. I felt so touched that they'd felt our need and decided to help us out. So, after Ethan and I arrived back home we picked up hubby and went shopping at WinCo for some much needed groceries. For some reason I can't remember we went to WinCo before depositing the checks. I kept the checks in their filled-out deposit envelope in my purse. We got our groceries, paid, put the groceries in the car, and headed to the bank. It was only when we got to the ATM to make the deposit that I realized the envelope was no longer in my purse. We parked in the bank's lot and I searched frantically all over the car for it. My purse had been sitting next to Ethan in the cart at the store and he had been rummaging through it (even though I'd told him not to). I was really upset by this point and told Ethan if he'd taken it out and dropped it he was going to be in BIG trouble. We quickly headed back to WinCo to see if by some miracle we could find it. It wasn't near where we had parked so hubby dropped me off and I ran in to ask Customer Service if (again, by some miracle) anyone had turned it in. And someone had. It had fallen out of my purse while *I* was carrying it on our way out to the car. Whoever found it was an angel and instead of keeping it (all the information was filled out and could have been deposited pretty easily by anyone) they turned it in. I think the nice lady behind the counter could visibly see the relief in me when she asked for my I.D. and how much the deposit was for. I thanked her heartily and with the envelope grasped firmly in my hands, walked back out to the car. We went back to the bank and deposited it. Returning home I felt extremely blessed, grateful, and tired.

Has anyone ever exceeded your expectations like that? A friend, family member, or even a stranger? I'm so grateful that there are still decent people in the world, even in my city.

Words of Wisdom

I know I'm way overdue here, but bear with me. It's been a busy week, and I learned a few things today, but tonight I just want to share with you something my best friend told me. Mariah writes a blog about her wonderful and sweet son, Miller, who is Autistic. She posted a new entry tonight and I commented on it. This is the little conversation that followed:


Me: More parents ought to be like you ^.^ (including me!)


Mariah: aww, thanks. You're a great mom too! ^.^


Me: Thanks, I try. I fail a lot, lol, but I try. :) Love ya!


Mariah: It's not failing, it's trial and error ;-) With a very large learning curve


I just LOVE that! So many times as parents we get caught up in all the things we feel like we're doing wrong and forget to give ourselves credit for the wonderful things we do for our children. And this can be applicable to more than just parenting of course! Those of you who aren't parents (yet), do you give yourself enough credit for the wonderful things you do in your marriage? How about at school? Work? Next time you feel like beating yourself up for making a mistake, just remind yourself of everything you do right, no matter how insignificant it may seem to you.  :)


Luvs and Huggies,
-Marie

Coming Soon

I have *tons* to blog about, but it'll have to wait. It's been a very long day and my head hurts. Hopefully I can get it up tomorrow.  Hope ya'll have had a good day  :)

Luvs and Huggies,
-Marie

Bright New Day!

I'm practically giddy right now! Once again, Ethan did *not* whine at me this morning(!), I get to go spend time with one of my good friends today(!), AND, we finally got paid!!!!!!  It's *SO* nice to see our account in the black again! And it looks like we even got enough to pay all our bills this month!

So, I'm off for a *much* needed day out! Hope ya'll are having a fabulous day and I'll check in later!

Luvs and Huggies,
-Marie

Sadness :(

I just found out my neighbor's dog died. She was very old and very sick. Sophie was also a very sweet dog, and so cute too. I saw them take her for a very short walk on Tuesday and then put her in their car and leave and I just had this sinking feeling. So today I saw my neighbor in her yard and decided to go talk to her. She confirmed that they had had to put Sophie to sleep and started crying. I cried too. We talked for some time which was nice. I gave her a hug and told her to come over if she ever felt lonely. It's hard when we lose a loved one, human or animal. Sometimes our pets are all we have. I know I would be devastated if I lost either of my two cats, and I would even be sad if our dog died. My neighbor commented on how she didn't realize how much she loved Sophie until she was gone. Isn't it sad how we can never fully appreciate something until it's gone? I think I'm going to go pet my kitties and tell them I love them.

Rest in peace sweet Sophie  ♥

A New Day

What a wonderful way to start the day! I got to sleep in a little bit, you know why? Ethan woke up, got a toy, and then got back into bed. He *didn't* open his door and whine for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's goal is to either take Ethan (and the dog) to the park, or let Ethan play in the backyard for a while.

I hope ya'll have had a great start to your morning, and if not, take a deep breath, smile (even if you want to cry), and promise to take care of yourself today. Do whatever you need to make today better!  :)

Luvs and Huggies,
-Marie

Good Night?

Well, the day started off good, but towards late afternoon I started feeling more and more bummed. I wasn't sure why. After thinking about it for a while tonight I think I figured it out. I spent almost four hours this evening watching tv online. Glee, NCIS, and two NCIS: Los Angeles episodes. I wore my headphones so I wouldn't miss anything (I'm one of those people that has to watch movies with subtitles). But here was my big mistake: Every time Ethan came in and wanted something I blew him off. Nevermind the fact that I could pause the show or watch it after he went to bed. I feel lousy because I neglected my most important treasure, my son. I got upset with him when he interrupted my shows when all he wanted was a little of his mommy's attention and love. Funny how that can negate all the good things that started the day off. So, after lamenting to my hubby he asked me what the old me would do. Then he asked me what the new me will do. It became clear to me that despite my mistake today, I can, and will, do better tomorrow. Because I can. The old me couldn't. The best thing to do when we make a mistake is to learn from it. That may not mean that we never make that same mistake again, but what's worse than making a mistake is making a mistake and not learning from it. So, here's to tomorrow. A new day to try again and try harder.

On a more positive note, I cleaned our downstairs bathroom today. For any of you that have ever had the misfortune of seeing said bathroom you will know that this is no small thing! See, the downstairs bathroom is where we have stuck the cats two litter boxes, food, and water. This room was FILTHY!!!! There were a couple of poop stains on the floor, a small clod of dried poop, a little pool of dried hand soap, and loose litter EVERYWHERE! You needed a hazmat suit to go in there! But, I braved it. I swept the floor, wiped down the sink, toilet, stains, tops of the litter boxes, even the garbage can, and one of the walls. The floor could still stand to be mopped with bleach, but I'm proud to say that one could at least use the toilet if necessary!

I also got two loads of laundry done today. And apparently I even helped inspire someone with yesterday's post.  ^.^  I feel the need to thank everyone who has inspired ME. To all of you, yes you, Thank You for inspiring me.  :)

Luvs and Huggies,
-Marie

Good Morning!

Hope ya'll are having a fantastic morning! I've got my dance tunes on and despite feeling tired, I'm feeling good! We haven't had as a good a start to our morning as yesterday. Ethan's diaper leaked AGAIN so I have to wash his sheet AGAIN, but it's ok because as I was making his bed last night I realized I should have washed all of his bedding, so now I get to! LOL

Today I'm hopefully going to run to WinCo and get some groceries and watch last night's Glee, NCIS, and NCIS: Los Angeles episodes!

"I simply gotta march my heart's a drummin'! Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade!"

I'll check in with ya later!

Luvs and Huggies!
-Marie

Inspiration

I'm always waiting to have something to blog about, but I realized this morning that I need to blog about what I have. That's how a lot of my favorite bloggers do it. Rebecca, Angie, Haylie, Dede. Even NieNie, who's blog I read for the first time last night. I also realized something else. One of the reasons we're here is to inspire each other, either to do something, be something, say something, create something, or just to dream. I was inspired to be better when I read Rebecca's post last night. I'm inspired to find the 'super' in myself when I read Angie's blog. I'm inspired by Haylie who loves her life and family so much that she practically bleeds happiness. I'm inspired by Dede who finds something short, sweet, and precious to blog about almost every day, even if it's only a few sentences, but is always accompanied with a picture. And last night I was inspired by NieNie to start blogging about what I have.

This morning, my husband woke me up my favorite way. Little kisses and snuggles and some good old fashioned lovin'. The best way to wake up is feeling loved and wanted.  ^.^  Unfortunately, our son woke up at about the same time and did his morning ritual of standing at his door whining "Mommy!" continuously.  >.<  THAT is my least favorite way to wake up. After calling to him to go play with his toys or read his books his whining escalated to crying loudly, at which point I groaned and said "For the love of Pete, Ethan!" Hubby got up, scolded Ethan, got him some juice, and came back to me. I hate it when we get mad at Ethan, but the morning whining has GOT to stop! Purely for my own sanity!

After Hubby left for school and I showered, I went out to find that Ethan had fallen back asleep! Bliss! A little extra time to myself! Woohoo!!!! It was the perfect opportunity to sit down and write this blog post.

Our day went something like this:

Ethan slept a few extra hours, but his diaper leaked. Hmm...guess it's now laundry day. While Ethan ate breakfast I randomly decided to clean the upstairs toilets. They're now fresh and sparkly white! I rarely clean the toilets (see: least favorite chore) so this was something to be celebrated! With a nap. LOL

Hubby came home in the afternoon and we all just kind of chilled and did our own thing the rest of the day. Ethan had a late lunch of a peanut butter sandwich and I was thrilled! He even asked for it! Getting this kid to eat is like the most epic battle of all time! After putting Ethan to bed we realized we still hadn't changed the sheets on our bed. As we were putting the fitted sheet on our affectionately nicknamed kitten, Stupid, found it to be a jolly good time chasing and attacking the billowing sheet. We ended up putting the fitted sheet on over her and had our own good time watching her run around chasing our fingertips. After a little while we decided we needed to make the bed the rest of the way so we managed to get her out and tried putting the next sheet on. She thought we were still playing and we ended up making the bed up with her between the two sheets. I love that cat.  :)  And no worries, we took her out so she wouldn't suffocate or get laid upon.

Well, this post has taken me all day to write. It's now 1:30am and I promised Hubby I'd come to bed soon. Tomorrow looks to be a bright day and I hope to get a few more things done and run some errands. So for now, bonsoir mes amis. May you all have sweet little dreams tonight.  ^.^

Luvs and Huggies,
Marie

I Am

I love Christina Aguilera. I love her voice, her talent, her kick-ass attitude, and her powerful belief in herself. Listening to her music you can tell she's been through a lot and she's come out the other side a fighter. She inspires me. Her newest album, Bionic, has even more of her can-do attitude and power songs with a bit of a new sound. Her song 'I Am' is one I listen to all the time.

I Am

"I am timid and
I am oversensitive
I am a lioness
I am tired and defensive

You take me in your arms
And I fall into you
I have insecurities
You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me
Just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy

Just need you to see me

Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental and

I have imperfections and
I am emotional
I am unpredictable
I am naked
I am vulnerable
I am a woman
I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me
Just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy
Just need you to see me

Take me, free me, see through to the core of me

Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands
I'm asking you to take me just the way that I am
Please lay down your arms

Do you know me, make me feel safe from harm

Oooh just take me, free me, see through to the core of me
See through, take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental and
I have imperfections and
I am emotional
There'll be no more pretending"

If you want to listen to it, type in Christina Aguilera in FB search and click on the Bionic tab on her page. Near the end of the list is the song.

I've been wanting to make my own list of "I Ams" so here goes:

I Am

Human
A Woman
A Mother
A Wife
A Sister
A Daughter
A Friend

I Am

Sensitive
Emotional
Beautiful
Unique
Creative
Slightly Broken

and Damaged

I Am
Easily Stressed
Lacking Energy
A Daydreamer
In Love With Music
Attracted to Laughter

Wishful
Lonely

I Am
Stubborn
Disappointed
Struggling

Angry
Impatient

Ready To Take Charge. I Am

That is what I would tattoo on my wrist. Only in a prettier script. I want to do it because I would be branding myself with what I think of myself. I would be marking my control/taking control over my body.

Life As I Know It

So much has changed in the last six months. For the record, Pristiq sucks. I spent four days in a behavioral unit at a hospital after overdosing on sleeping pills. I went to live with my mom after that. Finally came back just a couple of weeks ago. I loved living in Washington, but living with my mom and my 17-year old sister was very stressful. I had to leave my two best friends behind though when I came back. I miss them terribly. :'(

I was put on Prozac right after ODing and i'm up to 60mg/day and it seems to be working rather well. I think I'm gonna stick with this one for as long as it will work!

It was kind of a long time coming in some ways, but, I lost my faith. Hell, I've lost my desire to have faith. It is SO depressing to go to church and have the teachers and lessons all saying that if you keep God's commandments and read scriptures, pray, fast, serve, ect. ect. then you'll be happy. Well, I'm sorry, but for 25 years I did those things and they never made me feel happier. I'm so angry at God for those broken promises. I feel abandoned, disappointed, and angry. I still go to church sometimes just to get out of the house and socialize (and of course for the two hours away from my son!!!), but when I go there's always something that seems to just rub salt in my wounds.

I actually feel better and happier now than I have in years. I'm watching what I eat, drinking lots of water, and taking some supplemental diet pills. I have energy, and I actually have some self-esteem! I actually like myself!

Now, isn't that ironic?

Awakening to the Nightmare

I keep up with a lot of friends' blogs. I hate them all. I feel like such a failure when I read about their mistakes and picking themselves back up, their joys, their finding happiness. I know I'm doing ok right now, but I can feel this crazy person lurking behind me. Some day it's going to creep up on me again and attack. It's inevitable. And it scares the hell out of me. Has the disease become me? Have I become the disease? Has it changed who I am? Do I sound like a rambling idiot to you too? I've been a horrible mom all day today. I wonder if tomorrow I'll wake up Dr. Jekyll........or Mrs. Hyde..........

This is my nightmare. And I wake up to it every day. I have no choice.